Beloved birthday ♥

Im still lost. I dont know how to approach you. so I stand backward. I dont know how to understand your mind, so I keep myself a distance with you. I dont know your heart, so I just pretend that Im alright. Not at all, things just ain't alright. My heart neither. Yours? Is it fine? I wish you try to understand me. At least a little, to make me feel that my hard work paid off.

8th of November.
I thought I can be alright on this day. I wished like I did every year. I waited for your reply. I saw you onlining. Then I look at your last seen. No reply was given. Disappointed. Just plain disappointed. And then on th 12.22 a.m. I received your reply. A thank you with a smiley. I can feel my heartache. After so long. You know how it feels? Totally bad. I kept pretending. Pretending that Im alright. But no I just cant make myself any better. All I can do is just act, act and act. I tried so hard to smile.

Best friends, best buddy like them are really great. They're totally caring.  I cant let them worry. I knew they will get angry. I know they just dont wanna see their friend getting hurt again and again. But that dumbass, yes I mean me. I just cant help myself. I need a hug. No, I want a hug. The hug that you gave me when I'm hurt. The hug that has your smell. I dont know how I manage to survive for this one whole year. I just feel so not myself anymore. Faking around. Pretending to be happy. And silently cure my pain in the middle of the night. Things can never be alright.

Tarrot card shows that you're the lion and im the queen. But this queen is the one to tame the lion, not a powerful one. The mr.tarot told me, if you want him back, you'll need to put in many effort, you might need to sacrifice. Like seriously,  sacrifice? Why not if the person is you? You know, tarot tells too much of us. Just too much, too accurate.

Your present.
It was an awful experience. So much to tell. Didnt manage to reach. I know you wont care about that present. I've received lecy from my bestie. They aint happy when I told them im getting you a bday present. Yes im dumb. I bought and I gave it to him. I wanted to drop a letter into that present. But certain reason the letter was not sent. Heartache gone serious when I know my plan wasn't well prepared. That was my fault. But I know you will feel better with no letter, do you?

"A little secret untold. That present I gave you. Caused me so much trouble. Ha ha. I've got to stay in the college until late night because I cant tell what happened during the time mom called me. And just then, long long story happened. Then Im officially grounded. Ha ha. But I know its all worth it when you receive the present."