最后一章

每一件事情，有开头，就要有结尾。

三年时间不长，也不短，只是在2016年以前决定把这个部落格关上。是时候有个新的开始，是时候把尊重留给现在的他，也是时候我们为17岁的青涩画上句点。曾经我不明白，为什么我如此执着于初恋，为什么我总是放不下一个人。一直以为，执着是因为他是我最重要的人，放不下就代表我还爱他。

其实不然，我们一直放不下的初恋，不是真的放不下，是不甘心去放下。

好多人都说初恋是一碗红豆冰。为什么要形容成红豆冰，为什么不是汉堡薯条，为什么不是印度饼煎蛋?
因为只有红豆冰有资格!

-红豆冰-
就是初恋那样单纯的冰沙加红豆。

也许一碗红豆冰在炎热的夏天喝着感觉又冰又甜。可是冰会溶，人会离开，剩下的只是一滩什么都不是的糊水。舌尖上不可能再环绕着阵阵的冰甜凉爽，只有恶心又带点温温的红豆泥。让它融化的不是红豆冰自己，是温度，是太阳，是空气，是地心引力。我们不甘心周围的一切那么快把它毁了，不停地努力想把它变回原样。我们都忘了，现实生活没有多啦A梦的时光机器可以让时间倒流，没有阿拉丁神灯可以许三个愿望把红豆冰还原，更没有哈利波特的魔术棒让红豆冰重生。红豆冰溶了，初恋也该结束。

-巧克力面包-
就是成熟爱情那样真实的苦涩甘甜。

挣扎了三年，不肯承认红豆冰不再的事实，直到那么一天，有个人拿了巧克力面包抵上，尝了一口，终于明白人其实不会因为少了一碗红豆冰而失去所有，也并没有那么喜欢红豆冰。巧克力面包的出现，带点苦涩，带点甘甜，还可以填饱肚子。它既是面包亦是爱情，因为生活中真的没有如此梦幻，我们的青春也有结束的一天。苦涩的感觉是新生活的开始，你会比以前更坚强，不会再为了对方5分钟不回信而一哭二闹三上吊。你会比以前成熟，不会再因为看见对方偷望异性而自我封闭一整天。你也会比以前勇敢，发现两个人一起不一定要像口香糖一样每天腻在一起，你也可以自己一个人逛街，一个人看书喝咖啡。很多的种种，我们会发现，爱情可以执着于当下，却不能执着于结束以后。未来的日子可能还会遇到焦糖咖啡，还是草莓奶昔，你适合什么，就寻找什么。

属于你的，你不找他也自然会找上你。不属于你的，不管多努力，强求也未必适合你。我庆幸遇见了你，也珍惜与你的每段时光。亲爱的，谢谢你的出现，请你务必留下，一起完成那数之不尽的TO-DO-LIST!

星期三的清晨

其实我从来都没要求，哪天自己可以像个公主般幸福地过着童话故事版的生活。我知道自己该站在什么地方，过那些属于我的生活。这些年我哭过闹过，后来安静下来起，发现很多时候我们如此强求，也不一定会得到你渴望换来的世界。

我很容易知足，就像我说的，你只要跨出一步，剩余的九十九步我会努力完成。我很庆幸，在你无助的时候，你选择找我。至少我不是路人甲，在你心里，哪怕不是最爱的人，也有一个角落有我的足迹。你去睡的时候，我有点不知所措，因为我所知道的只是你不快乐，可是我却不知道是什么东西困扰你。好不容易熬到凌晨４点准备去睡觉却看见你醒了，心里漏了一拍因为我知道那个很坚强的你，失眠了。一直陪着你，忽然觉得我们的距离被拉近了，哪怕当时累得下一秒就会睡着，但是想起你曾经说我总是说到一半睡着，那时的心情是无奈对吗？只是这次，我不想再让你一个人去面对失落，我很想陪你，哪怕我们什么都不是。

看着你从一开始的失落，到渐渐开心起来，我知道自己的陪伴并没有浪费。我知道你的个性，你自我保护很强，有时却不知觉伤害了自己。你很难相信别人，所以当你被欺骗了以后，你会很失望，很难过。我知道，因为我曾经伤害了你。我记得有一次放学，你心情不好，自己一个人坐在巴士站，回到家我才问你，你怎么了？你说：“为什么刚才不问呢？你知道吗，我很希望我不开心的时候有你陪，哪怕你什么都不做，只是静静地陪着我。”那一晚，我哭了，因为你说得对，我竟然因为害羞，所以没在你不开心的时候陪着你。我甚至可以听得见你心中的失望在呐喊。

回到我们的对话上。
你说：“我还以为你讨厌我。”
笨蛋，就算讨厌全世界，我也不会讨厌你。知道吗？你对我而言，是一个我拼了命也会去保护的男孩，因为有你的出现，我才学会去爱一个人。你给我的安全感，没有人可以办到，因为你可能不知道，你一不小心就把我的心给偷走了。所以，你不在时，我的心空荡荡的，都不会跳了。我喜欢在你怀抱里，听着你的心跳，因为我总觉得那很温暖。有你在身边，我会忘了什么是怕，因为你会保护我。其实我知道你找我不代表什么，可是我就是期待奇迹会发生。会不会哪一天，你就回来了。我一直都在期待，我们和好，所以请你忽然想起我。

七夕⚫情人节

一早醒来，习惯地想你一遍，只是今天，莫名的难过。忽然觉得好累，我不知道该怎么去勇敢撑下去。一个人久了，会孤单，可是更难过的事，我们曾经是两个人。

看着朋友们的对话，一个个笑脸从不同的人身上发出，只是我今天连笑脸都打不出来。心情好沉，我好像傻子在空荡荡的房间哭。明明没有风，却不知觉冷得发抖。我其实没有很好，却必须伪装得很快乐。

在家人面前，我不可以难过，因为我没有理由去难过。在朋友面前，我没有理由苦着张脸，因为他们没有必要去陪伴我的不快乐。在你面前，我只能假装轻松，才可以换来你的回应。有时我问自己，这么累，为了什么？

“我爱你，就要勇敢的让你知道”
这是《莫非，这就是爱情》结局篇女主角关晓彤对男主角纪家尉说的。
如果生活可以像电视剧里有个编剧把故事填满才开拍，我一定有那份勇气去告诉你，我的心情。一直很害怕，你身边会有多一个她，因为在那之前我不断骗自己，你还爱我。其实你没有必要再去搭理我，这个事实我很清楚。我只是还没有学会放下对你的依赖。

今天是七夕，华人传统的情人节。我们还有机会在下一个七夕见面吗？现在的我们，连牛郎织女都还不如。他们至少是相爱的，他们至少每年都有一次见面的机会。而我，却没办法再让你关心我，没办法再把你要回来，没办法再见你一面。

压力时候的疯话

是考试的压力把我带到这里。
是你，给了我坚持的勇气。

有没有人告诉过你，你总有一种致命的杀伤力？你总是会在我难过委屈的时候，燃气我微弱的希望，让我觉得没有什么事不可能。虽然你自己也不知道，你就是那么温暖。

知道么？前一阵子，我好难过，你陪我聊天，我忽然觉得好幸福。还有那天，我本来在为了不开心的事哭，看着电话默默地哭，而忽然写着你的名字的信息进来了，是我很想很想的你。最近的事让我莫名的幸福，它让我觉得其实生活没有那么糟糕。

其实，我曾经傻傻的寻找路上的车牌，想看看你的名字会出现在哪一辆车，可是不管怎么找都找不到，找了好久都没有。最近好奇怪，不用我找，几乎每天都会看见你的名字出现，就连新加坡，槟城的车牌都冒出你的名字，好不可思议吧！因为我在心中默默地跟自己打了赌，如果我可以见到一个有你名字的东西，那么就代表缘分其实还没有结束。我知道很傻，可是那已经变成让我快乐的一种习惯了。

其实生活，不过是为了开心的过一整天，我以前总是用哭，去接受你已经不再身边的事实。现在的我，却想为自己找一个可以因为你而笑的理由去享受每一天。可能有时候，我偶尔失落，那是因为想你的时候不在身边，我还是会很舍不得。也许我该努力跑步，才可以追得上你。关晓彤说，“我已经找不到任何理由去说服自己不和你在一起了” 。如果还有那个机会，我会勇敢一些，让你知道...
"我的爱情算术很简单，１个你加１个我，等于２个在一起的我们。"

陌生了么?

一觉醒来，发现地球依然转动，只是我无法感受。有些人，有些事，当你努力去放下，它却不停地在你脑子里打转。无奈的是，我没办法让它像地球那样，转得自然又不会被发现。

今天的我们，来复习过去式。

“那个曾经陪伴着我放学等车的你，现在哪怕我自己一个人由天亮等到天黑，你也不会再担心我的安全，不会再关心我是否害怕一个人了。我们陌生了，是么？

那个曾经会为了回复我的信息，把电脑关了，哪怕对面线的网友在等你一起打怪兽，你也坚持陪我聊天。可是现在的你，就算有时间，哪怕在上线，也不会再秒回信息了。我们只剩下陌生，是么？

那个曾经会为了早上在我站岗前见到我，哪怕只可以陪我五分钟，也会一大早起身，不等妹妹准备好才让父亲载你们一起去上课，就背起书包从家里走来学校，不管有多累。现在的我们，哪怕要让你出来见个面，叙叙旧，你也必须等所有事都忙完，才会考虑愿不愿意会个面。我们比任何人还要陌生，是么？

那个曾经在我生病时彻夜难眠，凌晨４点钟还传信息给我因为想念，早上７点就打来，确保我没事的你。就算现在我病入膏肓，你也不会再慰问一句，不会再陪着我了。我们除了陌生还是陌生，是么？

那个曾经会因为看见我跟一个男生传简讯，就会火冒三丈， 不问信息内容就气呼呼地在一旁生闷气，傻得可爱的你。就算现在我真的在跟男生搭讪，你也不会在乎那个男生有没有杀伤力，不会在乎我是否会爱上其他人了。我们什么都不是，只有陌生，是么？

那个曾经因为我说喜欢毛茸茸的小熊，就提早在我生日是买好藏在朋友家，结果出去时还忘了带出来，那时候的你，让我觉得安全感就是有你在身边。可是现在的我，生日不再有你陪着，哪怕多么渴望还可以再过一次有你的生日，你也不会再出现了。这样的我们，就是所谓的陌生人，是么？”

总会有那么一个人，我不用说是谁，只要一想起他，心就会纠着疼，忘了呼吸，忘了说话，然后黯然神伤。

曾经我们是太阳，他们是地球，绕着太阳公转；我们却自私地只在原地不动。
现在的我们像没有了太阳的月亮，无法发光，地球上不会再出现我们的影子，我们也就这样渐渐消失在他们生活。

如过哪天我们埋怨他们为何不耐心一点，努力多一点就离开的时候，想想我们也必须明白他们不等的道理就像我们当初如何不屑浪费他们的时间一样。其实爱情没有错的一方，只有不够努力的两个人。

Things I should explain but no.

I tend to have more thoughts when comes to study time. It's really not what I should behave but well, I can't help it. Really can't wait until graduation, I'm already losing my passion in study. Head's always messy. Tonight I might be cheering myself that everything's going to be alright, but tomorrow I might find my life so miserable. Yeah, I'm basically rolling myself up in the bed rn and wondering why am I so dumb to think of if I would ever hurt anyone. Nobody cares if they hurt me too, did they? I doubt so. I remember you told me

"Let them be the way they are, if they care, they will be there for you, you don't have to feel sad over people's that hurt you, they're losing a gem and you're just throwing away a rock."

This is like the one thing I can never learn. I often get depressed when people don't appreciate what I've done, I felt sad when they just left out of no where. To me, everyone that comes into my life for more than a day and I'll take them as one of my precious. But of course I got to have good impression towards them. I'll feel sad if they were to leave. You know, I really miss hanging out with limay and peiqi. I miss hanging out with you and your bunch too. You guys gave me beautiful memories that I can reminiscence for a life time. Sometimes I wonder, do I really miss you or just the favourite memories we got for each other. But then I got the urge to meet you, to clear things out. Will I still hop into your arm and never wanna let go? Sometimes 3 years can make a person's feeling change. I'm afraid that the feelings are getting lesser, that will make us nobody to each other anymore.

I know jianhong told you that I waited for you for three years, but that's not important you know. What's important is what's in your heart. I obviously didn't want my existence to make you feel bad over what happened before. I get worried when jh told me that, he's stressing you out did he? That's why I never ever talk to you about us since I told you we should just be friend. Nobody knows I was the one that hurt you first, nobody knows I was the one to ask for break. Everyone thinks you're bad and when I'm trying to help you explain that makes you even worse. And slowly then, when they asked me about you, I'll just be like, he's my greatest present and hardest goodbye. We hurt each other, and that's what make us grow.

29th

Having love hate relationship with the number 29th. 29th used to be my favorite number cuz you pampered me so much, and I'm always so blessed on this date. But then, we broke up on this date too. How am I supposed to love this date, again? I stop feeling good on my birthday too after you left. I really don't know how is it to face pain like this.

However,as years passed by, people walked into my life and left too fast that I didn't know how to respond to their existence. I admit that I've been struggle for three years not dating anyone, stopping myself from getting attached to a person. Until last year, I met a person that's been so nice to me and I thought maybe I should try letting go of you. But it turned out that I'm just, temporary attached to him as he's more like an elder brother to me. And once I stopped having those feeling I cried so hard cuz I'm thinking if you're still here I wouldn't even have temporary feeling because I'll be sticking to you, no doubt.

And this year, I met this guy that make me cried of getting hurt by him. Because he makes me feel important and suddenly left me hanging. Then he suddenly came back again. He's so dangerous I don't know what kind of person he is. But when people asked, why you like him. I stoned for awhile and think damn long, Idk. I felt that he's cool in the way he talk, and that reminds me that you used to talk this way. Well, no. Not the ignored kind of cool. Is the way that you made me fell for you. He has got the same thing. I'm doubting my feelings towards him cuz I know it will soon be another temporary feeling, too. Or is he slightly different that I'm looking down on his existence? Not quite sure if you guys are alike, because he has his own personalities, you have yours, but certain thing alike and Idk what's that.

Actually guess what, I'm crying rn. I have so much things stucked in my head. Yeah, I'm pretty sad because I really don't wanna fall for anyone, I felt that I'm not loyal. But after all I'm still human, I get insecure at night, I still need a hug, I still need a person to be there for me. And if there's a choice, I will never choose anyone other than you. Baby, you won't know how much missing a person hurts, do you? Do you ever think of me during late night like this, for once? Do you suffer those pain as how I felt? I'm selfish you know, I wish you do although it hurts you. But that will makes me feel so much secure with your "I care."

Ever remember what I called you? I called you "badao", because to you, what's yours is yours. I never tell you, did I? I'm way more badao because even what's not mine, I still make it mine. To me, you're always here, in my heart. It still hurts when I miss you, it still pain when I realized you're not mine. It still, care. Baby, what are you doing rn. Busy over test? Final is around corner, and I'm feeling so stress that I wish you're still here for me to tell me, "We'll date after final alright? Jiayou dear" Like how you used to tell me. I just, miss you so much rn. Or am I just missing us back then, head's getting messier.

Jianhong told me you guys talked the other day, he told me you said you're not a good guy. But baby, can you define good? You're not good because you're already the best, I told you before. I don't need a perfect partner, I was glad to share your imperfections back then, and I thought I can share it with you until death. Maybe I'm just too greedy, I thought by loving you means even you're bad, you're still my priority. But then, you didn't try, did you? Blaming yourself for not being good, why don't you just do what you think is better. It's not hard, really. You made it hard, you pushed me away, like how I pushed everyone away.

It's gonna be a tough night to me. Study stress plus missing game strong. Spm with broke up combo I also can handle, this is just potato to me. I'll work harder to be better before we meet.

On a side note, bestie told me to ask you out on my bday, how am I supposed to ask lol. We didn't meet for three years, and still I need to work hard on it? If you really were to ask, you would isn't? Exactly one more month to go, well I'll twist the coin and get a solution then.