29th

Having love hate relationship with the number 29th. 29th used to be my favorite number cuz you pampered me so much, and I'm always so blessed on this date. But then, we broke up on this date too. How am I supposed to love this date, again? I stop feeling good on my birthday too after you left. I really don't know how is it to face pain like this.

However,as years passed by, people walked into my life and left too fast that I didn't know how to respond to their existence. I admit that I've been struggle for three years not dating anyone, stopping myself from getting attached to a person. Until last year, I met a person that's been so nice to me and I thought maybe I should try letting go of you. But it turned out that I'm just, temporary attached to him as he's more like an elder brother to me. And once I stopped having those feeling I cried so hard cuz I'm thinking if you're still here I wouldn't even have temporary feeling because I'll be sticking to you, no doubt.

And this year, I met this guy that make me cried of getting hurt by him. Because he makes me feel important and suddenly left me hanging. Then he suddenly came back again. He's so dangerous I don't know what kind of person he is. But when people asked, why you like him. I stoned for awhile and think damn long, Idk. I felt that he's cool in the way he talk, and that reminds me that you used to talk this way. Well, no. Not the ignored kind of cool. Is the way that you made me fell for you. He has got the same thing. I'm doubting my feelings towards him cuz I know it will soon be another temporary feeling, too. Or is he slightly different that I'm looking down on his existence? Not quite sure if you guys are alike, because he has his own personalities, you have yours, but certain thing alike and Idk what's that.

Actually guess what, I'm crying rn. I have so much things stucked in my head. Yeah, I'm pretty sad because I really don't wanna fall for anyone, I felt that I'm not loyal. But after all I'm still human, I get insecure at night, I still need a hug, I still need a person to be there for me. And if there's a choice, I will never choose anyone other than you. Baby, you won't know how much missing a person hurts, do you? Do you ever think of me during late night like this, for once? Do you suffer those pain as how I felt? I'm selfish you know, I wish you do although it hurts you. But that will makes me feel so much secure with your "I care."

Ever remember what I called you? I called you "badao", because to you, what's yours is yours. I never tell you, did I? I'm way more badao because even what's not mine, I still make it mine. To me, you're always here, in my heart. It still hurts when I miss you, it still pain when I realized you're not mine. It still, care. Baby, what are you doing rn. Busy over test? Final is around corner, and I'm feeling so stress that I wish you're still here for me to tell me, "We'll date after final alright? Jiayou dear" Like how you used to tell me. I just, miss you so much rn. Or am I just missing us back then, head's getting messier.

Jianhong told me you guys talked the other day, he told me you said you're not a good guy. But baby, can you define good? You're not good because you're already the best, I told you before. I don't need a perfect partner, I was glad to share your imperfections back then, and I thought I can share it with you until death. Maybe I'm just too greedy, I thought by loving you means even you're bad, you're still my priority. But then, you didn't try, did you? Blaming yourself for not being good, why don't you just do what you think is better. It's not hard, really. You made it hard, you pushed me away, like how I pushed everyone away.

It's gonna be a tough night to me. Study stress plus missing game strong. Spm with broke up combo I also can handle, this is just potato to me. I'll work harder to be better before we meet.

On a side note, bestie told me to ask you out on my bday, how am I supposed to ask lol. We didn't meet for three years, and still I need to work hard on it? If you really were to ask, you would isn't? Exactly one more month to go, well I'll twist the coin and get a solution then.