Guts

There are days when I just ain't afraid of talking to you and find it comfortably fine to speak like a friend. But when comes to asking you out, I'm a tat bit of nervous, or maybe I'm extremely nervous because I don't even dare to type a word in the chat box. Feelings are weird, ya' know. I find it okay to talk to you the other day and behaving like a friend because I tend to blend myself into "just normal friend's conversation" situation. But asking you out makes me worry, because facing you is one of the toughest task I'll need to do. I don't know how would I behave, I don't know how you feel, and I don't know, if we still care for each other. You used to be my partner in crime, my best friend, my brother, and the boy I love most. I was so attached to you and now adding on this stranger character makes me feel so uncomfortable. Just by hearing to the "stranger" word makes me feel sad.

You know what baby, I can lie to the world but I can't even fake a word to you. I got to admit that after since you left I didn't lost any feeling from you, meanwhile I fell for a guy nearly, maybe that's not fell. I talked to him and he confessed but then he stepped backward again LOL. Because he actually chasing after two girls at once, and more to that girl. So I'm like a loser in that game cuz I trusted him. After all, I quitted the game and no, he's not going to be someone I'll be missing deadly. Maybe I have some feelings towards him, I found you inside him, I found the way you behave from him. I'm not quite too sure I'm actually attached with the feeling you gave, or am I actually fall for people like that. But I believe, I can let go in short while, right? Since it's just a head start. Let's go with the flow.

Problem is, you. It's been 3 years tho. Even if I try to accept guy and I let go them, the feeling for you is still there, they just won't go away. There's never a day that I won't click in your chat box, and that makes me so fed up cuz every time I clicked in, I have the urge to talk and I can't help but typing my words to you and then deleting it again and again. Someday when I feel sad, I can just left my screen with your face on, crying there and pretend that you're like last time, staying up late to cheer me up, take care of me. Someday I typed an essay of my problem, and wanting to send you but deleted after awhile.

If only I can now tell you how much I want to meet you. I know I can just message you and you'll make a reply. But then, will I be crying my nights again after meeting you? Final is around the corner, I really don't know what's going to happen if we meet, I'm too afraid that I'll get hurt again and can't focus on study. I've got that once, for I almost ruined my spm slip. Those harsh days were nightmare to me, baby please understand you're not important, you're just too important to me. I would risk everything to get you a thing, but I won't risk a thing for myself. That's the difference.

Am I mumbling too much today? I'll gather my guts and go to you, when I'm ready, maybe not today. Lol. Why am I talking to the air, again. Sometimes I wish you read the blog, sometimes I wish you don't. I'm just that suck ugh.