Tonight

Because tonight, I'm missing you unconditionally.
If you ever know that, I was so happy to receive your wish last night. A simple Merry Christmas makes me feels so happy. Do you still remember three years ago, we were still a pair? How things changed. They said one year can change a lot, three years is like a century long. I obviously still living the fairytale's life. Not because I'm immature, it's just simply because I can't get over you. I honestly just can't do it. This is the toughest task I've ever received. To stay on alone without you. 

Well dear, do you ever notice I'm always secretly looking out for you. Secretly stalk you on Facebook, on Instagram, every social websites that has your footprint. I just couldn't stop doing this, it seems to be the only way that I can get to know about your current life. I wanted to say, but I never have the guts to do so. I wish I can still go in front of you and hug you tight like that one time, you told me you felt that my hug is telling you I'm so afraid of losing you. I really am and never changed. I know if you were to saw this, you're gonna say. I'm sorry for the past but that's over. So no. I'm protecting both you and me from getting hurt. You will feel no guilty and I do not need to receive the cruelest truth from you.
I wish I can still be typing I love you, baby instead of the strangest hello. You never know how hurt is it to type those three words out for a thousand times and delete it with uncounted heartbreak. I wish you know how love is to hurt me. Because I loved you. Meanwhile, I didn't wanna let you know for making you more frustrated. Nobody has to tell me and I already know it's a never to ask you back because you certainly and definitely will never turn back, ain't?
Tonight is not the hardest night among all time, but it definitely is one of the hardest. I told myself for a couple times no more hurting myself for remembering you. Obviously that's like asking a goat not to eat grass. Because to me, you're like an addiction. If there's a chance, I wonder if I ever wanna know you. Because meeting you means two thing. Both luckiness and tragedy. I was so glad to know you as you bright up my days when nobody can. At the same time, you're called a tragedy because after you left my life is so miserable sometimes I thought of doing dumb things when it hurts me so badly.
Till now, I never know why you chose to leave. You told me you love me. And I remembered an article said. When a person loves you, no reason is needed. Same thing when a person asked to break, what reason also don't make any changes. True that there's no point to ask but there must be a way to solve. Everything has a solution. I'm trying so hard to get the solution and I was never so hardworking in life. Please believe that loving you is the only thing that I tried so hard to prove it and the love makes me realised that I have to lie to you for once saying the opposite so that you can feel relieved. But you never ever know, my heart was dripping when I said so. Because I never will stop loving you.