Guts

There are days when I just ain't afraid of talking to you and find it comfortably fine to speak like a friend. But when comes to asking you out, I'm a tat bit of nervous, or maybe I'm extremely nervous because I don't even dare to type a word in the chat box. Feelings are weird, ya' know. I find it okay to talk to you the other day and behaving like a friend because I tend to blend myself into "just normal friend's conversation" situation. But asking you out makes me worry, because facing you is one of the toughest task I'll need to do. I don't know how would I behave, I don't know how you feel, and I don't know, if we still care for each other. You used to be my partner in crime, my best friend, my brother, and the boy I love most. I was so attached to you and now adding on this stranger character makes me feel so uncomfortable. Just by hearing to the "stranger" word makes me feel sad.

You know what baby, I can lie to the world but I can't even fake a word to you. I got to admit that after since you left I didn't lost any feeling from you, meanwhile I fell for a guy nearly, maybe that's not fell. I talked to him and he confessed but then he stepped backward again LOL. Because he actually chasing after two girls at once, and more to that girl. So I'm like a loser in that game cuz I trusted him. After all, I quitted the game and no, he's not going to be someone I'll be missing deadly. Maybe I have some feelings towards him, I found you inside him, I found the way you behave from him. I'm not quite too sure I'm actually attached with the feeling you gave, or am I actually fall for people like that. But I believe, I can let go in short while, right? Since it's just a head start. Let's go with the flow.

Problem is, you. It's been 3 years tho. Even if I try to accept guy and I let go them, the feeling for you is still there, they just won't go away. There's never a day that I won't click in your chat box, and that makes me so fed up cuz every time I clicked in, I have the urge to talk and I can't help but typing my words to you and then deleting it again and again. Someday when I feel sad, I can just left my screen with your face on, crying there and pretend that you're like last time, staying up late to cheer me up, take care of me. Someday I typed an essay of my problem, and wanting to send you but deleted after awhile.

If only I can now tell you how much I want to meet you. I know I can just message you and you'll make a reply. But then, will I be crying my nights again after meeting you? Final is around the corner, I really don't know what's going to happen if we meet, I'm too afraid that I'll get hurt again and can't focus on study. I've got that once, for I almost ruined my spm slip. Those harsh days were nightmare to me, baby please understand you're not important, you're just too important to me. I would risk everything to get you a thing, but I won't risk a thing for myself. That's the difference.

Am I mumbling too much today? I'll gather my guts and go to you, when I'm ready, maybe not today. Lol. Why am I talking to the air, again. Sometimes I wish you read the blog, sometimes I wish you don't. I'm just that suck ugh.

Stressful Night

Hello baby,
"Are you still awake? Or are you asleep?"
Last week I took up my courage and sent you a message. I thought maybe this should be my last try, knowing that you most probably not having any feelings anymore. I still tried it anyway, with my very last hope.

Sometimes law of attraction is mysterious, I find it so incredibly great. Things only happen when you're about to give up. I'm not saying of willing to let you go or maybe I should try, one day? I think its amazing. I let go of my urge to talk to you, giving myself nearly zero hope on your reply, but surprise surprise, you replied! Darlin' please tell me this is not a dream, its not. This is too real I can even feel my heart beating rather fast than usual.

It's been a decade since we last talk, last proper one. I felt them blood running through the veins, stimulation system just got a tat bit higher. Cuz baby you don't know the feeling of suffer. Maybe I shall thank this guy for pushing me to you, again. Thanks to him that kept asking me to give him a chance. It somehow makes me feel like maybe I should try to talk to you again. Maybe your respond will change my mindset? I think you did. Cuz I was in the mid of giving up or holding on. And you got me a decision.

Behaving like a normal friends conversation, but feelings gone lovely dovey. That's how it happened. I was jumping up and down when you agreed to come out. You know it's really fine for me to get scolded from everyone if you're willing to take one step forward, because I'll definitely walk you 99 steps. If 3 years ago was a mistake, let us fix it now, can we? Unless there's no more feelings for you, after we meet.

You don't know. I've got so excited every night, thinking that how would it turn out if we really met. Everyday that I wish I can just ask you out asap cuz I really just miss you so much. Despite that, I'm still controlling my mood swing god damn hard cuz it sucks that we still can't meet, for now. Maybe I shall meet you before degree, cuz I'll let my destiny depends on the date we gonna meet. Boy, please you have no idea how important you are, until I find it crazily mad when you're gone. It's been so long since I tell myself it's okay to live alone without you, but I know it's not real and will never be real.

I've got a lil heartache while typing this and I think I shall stop here. Till we meet, again. May destiny lead us to a better answer.

520的夜晚。

找不到一个可以让我痛哭的地方。一个人太累, 我撑不住了。我曾经以为, 自己是幸福的, 因为不管我多任性, 都有你在。我可以发你脾气, 因为你总是宠着我, 可是我从来都不信任爱情, 我没有办法放心去正常喜欢一个人。我没自信, 因为觉得不管是谁靠近你, 她们都比我强, 比我优秀。她说, 我不适合谈恋爱, 因为我伤害别人, 也伤害自己。我钻牛角尖, 总是走不出来, 在你怀里, 我会哭, 不是因为你给不了安全感, 而是只有在你怀里, 我才有勇气去哭, 因为你让我觉得无比安心。也许是你, 让我发现自己应该勇敢一些, 去面对好多我觉得不可能的事。但是最近好累, 发生了好多事, 不管对谁, 我都没有办法信任。我想逃出来, 我想找你诉苦, 可是我没有那份勇气去打扰你。我们什么都不是, 我说给你听, 你会在乎吗? 人都自私, 我更是非常自私的人, 我希望你多关心我, 我却不曾在乎你的感受。我记得你说, 你不想伤害我, 也不想再受伤害。我不明白, 也会一直在想, 是我做了什么让你觉得你伤害了我么? 可是我想不起, 我好像无意间给你带来太多伤害了, 是么?

昨天受到好多攻击性的话题, 本来就已经很压力, 看了以后我崩溃了。那种哭到喘不过气, 哭到天昏地暗的境界, 有股气卡在喉咙, 心疼地麻木, 都不知道怎么去形容那种感觉, 只觉得自己难过到快要死掉。因为他说, 你不曾喜欢我, 就算当时我们在一起。女孩最在乎的, 不过是一个男生有没有真正的爱过他, 所以我总是问你, 你爱我么? 我不介意被他说我跟别人暧昧, 因为我知道自己没有, 我不在乎他怎么看我, 如果我有我又怎么可能单身那么久。我介意他说你不曾喜欢我, 因为我真的不是自信满满的女孩, 哪怕想起这些话, 我的心都揪着疼。因为你的心有没有喜欢过我, 或者有没有喜欢着我, 都那么重要。他问我你有女朋友我会祝福你么? 要我怎样? 我是自私的, 我没有办法看见我爱到死去活来的你有女朋友, 我会疯掉。可是同时我明白自己没办法让你再回头, 我累了, 心真的很弱, 弱到一碰就会碎掉的地步。我曾经那个比大树还坚硬的肩膀, 你去了哪里? 我好想靠在你的肩膀, 听见你说的那些, "不要哭了, 我会心疼。"

自己一个人走的路, 被丢臭鸡蛋了没有人在乎, 跌倒了没人会扶我起来帮我搽伤口, 生病了没有人会晚上睡不着等我起床没事才安心。我不贪心, 我不需要高富帅, 我更不需要任何人代替不完美的你。对我来说, 我爱的那个不完美的你, 就是我要的全部。我不需要一个盲目迁就我的男朋友, 就像你生气会发我脾气一样, 那让我觉得你在乎。我不需要一个买一大堆有的没的给我的男朋友, 我更喜欢你把仅有的钱拿去买礼物给我, 却跟我说你还有钱。哪怕它只是个毛绒玩偶, 它也比钻石更珍贵。我不需要一个24孝男友, 我不需要千依百顺的男友, 我需要的是像你那样的男友。如果老天再给我一次机会, 我不会再让那么好的你从我身边溜走。但愿那些伤我不浅的三年, 可以换来从新开始的彩虹。而你, 会是那道最美丽的彩虹。快些把我从噩梦中叫醒, 我真的好累, 好想回到我们曾经的美梦, 或者新的美梦。

微信故事

看到一半的时候, 我想起你, 曾经也帮我绑过鞋带。也许是夜晚的宁静, 让我胡思乱想, 又或许是, 已经好久没见到你, 好久没听到你的声音, 好久没有你在身边了。那天晚上, 太傻了, 竟然问你睡了吗。虽然知道就算我们的聊天室在用着, 你也不会再因为我说的笑话而笑, 说了什么而感到甜蜜。其实最难过的事, 不过是失去了你。三年了, 也许对你而言, 该忘的都忘了, 该痛的也都痛了。看着身边每个失恋的那些, 都已经走过了伤痛, 我还在原地踏步。其实我们的爱情也不过是那短暂的一年, 或是更少。我真的有时以为自己放下了。我有尝试去喜欢人, 可是每一次他们踏前一步, 我就后退三步。我没有办法喜欢上你以外的人, 没有办法, 去阻止自己喜欢你。喜欢你好久, 等你也好久, 我好想有一天可以彻底把你忘掉, 让忘掉比等待更久。今晚哭了, 为自己的初恋, 再一次哭了。原来我还是在乎。

凌晨的想念

回忆真的很奇妙, 也许现在的我看着过去的自己, 觉得自己好白目, 五年后的我再把现在的我看一遍也很可能会觉得自己很荒唐。刚才不经意的把2012, 2011翻了一遍。把那些该看的不该看的回忆统统翻了一边, 那两年的自己充满了稚气, 一副高高在上, 却是个什么都不懂的幼稚青少年。无法说现在的我有多好, 可至少我看着过去, 不知觉地把17岁那年的我笑了, 也哭了一遍。十六岁那年的我, 很快乐, 我真的以为自己是最幸福的小孩, 直到奶奶去世, 我失去了方向, 我一度以为自己什么都失去了, 那一阵子的我很忧郁, 因为只要有人大声一点说话, 我就会落泪, 当时是这样想的, (爷爷走了, 现在奶奶也离开我了, 没有人疼我了吗?) 当时的妈妈, 说话语气不好我就哭, 妈妈当时有问我, 你是怎么了, 越来越爱哭! 没有人明白, 那是十六岁的想念, 对奶奶, 对爷爷。后来, 交了一群朋友, 一群让我可以重拾欢笑的好友。他们很好笑, 也很善解人意, 他们是同座, 也是同学, 他们是我这一辈子交过最幸福的朋友, 因为他们很真, 心很美。然后我很不小心地发现自己喜欢上他, 虽然我们不熟, 我却没办法让自己不去喜欢他。也许是幸运, 也可能是一种契机, 我们一起。所以那年, 我在接纳了我的伤痛以候, 得到了一份甜蜜的爱情。可能当时还不够成熟, 或者幸福来得太快, 也许我们太不自量力, 以为只要喜欢就是一辈子。当时的我, 没有想到, 我的任性会是绊脚石, 也没有想过原来我们必须学会包容, 因为喜欢还包括去保护对方, 结果后来遍体麟伤, 因为我们都太自我。这一段感情以后, 我让自己回到最初的起点, 只是这一次, 我禁止了所有接近自己的蜜蜂, 因为我的花蜜真的不多, 就够一只蜜蜂采蜜。现在是凌晨4点, 写这些并不是因为我又想不通了, 只是纯粹想把不曾说的心事说出来, 奶奶的离开始终是一个抹不去的痛, 因为亲眼目睹她的离逝, 我没有办法忘记那个夜晚的天空有多黑, 那雨滴有多刺耳, 那些人来人往, 那股闷气一直让我无法呼吸, 当时没有人会安慰, 因为每个人都难过。可是我记得奶奶在爷爷去世的时候曾近让阻止我哭的人闭嘴, 她说"让她哭, 小时候她阿公让她在他去世以候大声的哭, 哭到天上去给他听" 那天奶奶的拥抱是最温暖的, 她的话是最动人的。只是奶奶的去世, 没有人在给予任何拥抱, 没有人再安慰我, 因为奶奶她, 不在了。
应该写了好长, 应该也没有人会去读它, 写这么多, 只是因为想念那些从我身边离开的人。好吧, 晚安。04:29

我没法告诉你的秘密

我们两个都在线

如果我不主动理你

你是不是准备一辈子也不主动理我了…

如果有一天，我不再放下所有的骄傲去打扰你；

如果有一天，你再也看不到我唯独对你永远隐身可见的头像再一次跳动，你会不会有那么一刻感到忧伤？

女孩子跟男生不一样的。

男生主动一点，别人会说他勇敢追求自己的爱情。

可是女生不同。她会怕。

怕如果自己不管不顾地打扰你，会惹得你不高兴；

会怕跟你的对话框里只有自己说的话安静地忧伤；

会怕自己的主动换来你的不珍惜。

所以男生，你们不要以为，她不主动理你便是不在乎你。

相反，也许是太在乎你，她才会有那么多的怕。

要记得，就算她没有主动理你，你也不可以那么小心眼得跟她生气，同样不理她。

两个人在一起，只要有一个人是主动的，都会带动另一个人的。

Insomnia

Sudden thought tonight. It's not exactly sudden thought but I recalled that someone told me about you. Let's make this someone anonymous, by using 'she' later on, obviously she's a female.

There's this morning when we're having breakfast together, we talked about high school. Random topic and she mentioned you. She told me that after we broke up, you blackmailed me by saying you find me so annoying and you can't stand me anymore to your friend.I don't know if I should believe this. I chose not to because my heart was tearing apart, like so pain I can't stop shivering.

Meanwhile, she said that almost the whole school knows about our broke up and avoided me because they think I'm such bad girl. I wonder how bad am I. Like did I play around with your feelings. I really don't know why I deserve all this. If you ever wonder, this news hurt me so bad. I can still remember the night she told me this I cried so long and even after crying I couldn't fall asleep. That night was so miserable I wish I can just throw my heart away. Just so you know, this is the second time she mentioned, but obviously first time kills me inside out.

I really want an answer, from you. But I don't want a hurtful answer as well. Life's tough. You can't get good return 100%, there's always risk, just like finance. Trust me, this question has been playing in my mind for so long that everyday I kept telling myself to stop being annoying and start being so quiet to everyone around me. I just didn't wanna get hurt like this again, especially people like you. If you ever wonder, you meant the world to me and that's why I hurt. I doubt I'll be figuring this question for countless night if you're just someone who's not so important to me.

Guess what? It's already 3.36 right now. My headache is not stopping since just now. I'm feeling so tired yet so hurt over what I've heard. I really hope that what the girl told me is fake, because I'm trying so hard to assume she's lying. But actually, what hurts me today doesn't really hurts me all day and night. I might be crying tonight but I forgive easily. Just try telling me who will ever get angry over someone they love for a long period. Not me. Please?

P/s: does insomnia meant someone is dreaming of me right now, will that be you?