最后一章

每一件事情，有开头，就要有结尾。

三年时间不长，也不短，只是在2016年以前决定把这个部落格关上。是时候有个新的开始，是时候把尊重留给现在的他，也是时候我们为17岁的青涩画上句点。曾经我不明白，为什么我如此执着于初恋，为什么我总是放不下一个人。一直以为，执着是因为他是我最重要的人，放不下就代表我还爱他。

其实不然，我们一直放不下的初恋，不是真的放不下，是不甘心去放下。

好多人都说初恋是一碗红豆冰。为什么要形容成红豆冰，为什么不是汉堡薯条，为什么不是印度饼煎蛋?
因为只有红豆冰有资格!

-红豆冰-
就是初恋那样单纯的冰沙加红豆。

也许一碗红豆冰在炎热的夏天喝着感觉又冰又甜。可是冰会溶，人会离开，剩下的只是一滩什么都不是的糊水。舌尖上不可能再环绕着阵阵的冰甜凉爽，只有恶心又带点温温的红豆泥。让它融化的不是红豆冰自己，是温度，是太阳，是空气，是地心引力。我们不甘心周围的一切那么快把它毁了，不停地努力想把它变回原样。我们都忘了，现实生活没有多啦A梦的时光机器可以让时间倒流，没有阿拉丁神灯可以许三个愿望把红豆冰还原，更没有哈利波特的魔术棒让红豆冰重生。红豆冰溶了，初恋也该结束。

-巧克力面包-
就是成熟爱情那样真实的苦涩甘甜。

挣扎了三年，不肯承认红豆冰不再的事实，直到那么一天，有个人拿了巧克力面包抵上，尝了一口，终于明白人其实不会因为少了一碗红豆冰而失去所有，也并没有那么喜欢红豆冰。巧克力面包的出现，带点苦涩，带点甘甜，还可以填饱肚子。它既是面包亦是爱情，因为生活中真的没有如此梦幻，我们的青春也有结束的一天。苦涩的感觉是新生活的开始，你会比以前更坚强，不会再为了对方5分钟不回信而一哭二闹三上吊。你会比以前成熟，不会再因为看见对方偷望异性而自我封闭一整天。你也会比以前勇敢，发现两个人一起不一定要像口香糖一样每天腻在一起，你也可以自己一个人逛街，一个人看书喝咖啡。很多的种种，我们会发现，爱情可以执着于当下，却不能执着于结束以后。未来的日子可能还会遇到焦糖咖啡，还是草莓奶昔，你适合什么，就寻找什么。

属于你的，你不找他也自然会找上你。不属于你的，不管多努力，强求也未必适合你。我庆幸遇见了你，也珍惜与你的每段时光。亲爱的，谢谢你的出现，请你务必留下，一起完成那数之不尽的TO-DO-LIST!

星期三的清晨

其实我从来都没要求，哪天自己可以像个公主般幸福地过着童话故事版的生活。我知道自己该站在什么地方，过那些属于我的生活。这些年我哭过闹过，后来安静下来起，发现很多时候我们如此强求，也不一定会得到你渴望换来的世界。

我很容易知足，就像我说的，你只要跨出一步，剩余的九十九步我会努力完成。我很庆幸，在你无助的时候，你选择找我。至少我不是路人甲，在你心里，哪怕不是最爱的人，也有一个角落有我的足迹。你去睡的时候，我有点不知所措，因为我所知道的只是你不快乐，可是我却不知道是什么东西困扰你。好不容易熬到凌晨４点准备去睡觉却看见你醒了，心里漏了一拍因为我知道那个很坚强的你，失眠了。一直陪着你，忽然觉得我们的距离被拉近了，哪怕当时累得下一秒就会睡着，但是想起你曾经说我总是说到一半睡着，那时的心情是无奈对吗？只是这次，我不想再让你一个人去面对失落，我很想陪你，哪怕我们什么都不是。

看着你从一开始的失落，到渐渐开心起来，我知道自己的陪伴并没有浪费。我知道你的个性，你自我保护很强，有时却不知觉伤害了自己。你很难相信别人，所以当你被欺骗了以后，你会很失望，很难过。我知道，因为我曾经伤害了你。我记得有一次放学，你心情不好，自己一个人坐在巴士站，回到家我才问你，你怎么了？你说：“为什么刚才不问呢？你知道吗，我很希望我不开心的时候有你陪，哪怕你什么都不做，只是静静地陪着我。”那一晚，我哭了，因为你说得对，我竟然因为害羞，所以没在你不开心的时候陪着你。我甚至可以听得见你心中的失望在呐喊。

回到我们的对话上。
你说：“我还以为你讨厌我。”
笨蛋，就算讨厌全世界，我也不会讨厌你。知道吗？你对我而言，是一个我拼了命也会去保护的男孩，因为有你的出现，我才学会去爱一个人。你给我的安全感，没有人可以办到，因为你可能不知道，你一不小心就把我的心给偷走了。所以，你不在时，我的心空荡荡的，都不会跳了。我喜欢在你怀抱里，听着你的心跳，因为我总觉得那很温暖。有你在身边，我会忘了什么是怕，因为你会保护我。其实我知道你找我不代表什么，可是我就是期待奇迹会发生。会不会哪一天，你就回来了。我一直都在期待，我们和好，所以请你忽然想起我。

七夕⚫情人节

一早醒来，习惯地想你一遍，只是今天，莫名的难过。忽然觉得好累，我不知道该怎么去勇敢撑下去。一个人久了，会孤单，可是更难过的事，我们曾经是两个人。

看着朋友们的对话，一个个笑脸从不同的人身上发出，只是我今天连笑脸都打不出来。心情好沉，我好像傻子在空荡荡的房间哭。明明没有风，却不知觉冷得发抖。我其实没有很好，却必须伪装得很快乐。

在家人面前，我不可以难过，因为我没有理由去难过。在朋友面前，我没有理由苦着张脸，因为他们没有必要去陪伴我的不快乐。在你面前，我只能假装轻松，才可以换来你的回应。有时我问自己，这么累，为了什么？

“我爱你，就要勇敢的让你知道”
这是《莫非，这就是爱情》结局篇女主角关晓彤对男主角纪家尉说的。
如果生活可以像电视剧里有个编剧把故事填满才开拍，我一定有那份勇气去告诉你，我的心情。一直很害怕，你身边会有多一个她，因为在那之前我不断骗自己，你还爱我。其实你没有必要再去搭理我，这个事实我很清楚。我只是还没有学会放下对你的依赖。

今天是七夕，华人传统的情人节。我们还有机会在下一个七夕见面吗？现在的我们，连牛郎织女都还不如。他们至少是相爱的，他们至少每年都有一次见面的机会。而我，却没办法再让你关心我，没办法再把你要回来，没办法再见你一面。

压力时候的疯话

是考试的压力把我带到这里。
是你，给了我坚持的勇气。

有没有人告诉过你，你总有一种致命的杀伤力？你总是会在我难过委屈的时候，燃气我微弱的希望，让我觉得没有什么事不可能。虽然你自己也不知道，你就是那么温暖。

知道么？前一阵子，我好难过，你陪我聊天，我忽然觉得好幸福。还有那天，我本来在为了不开心的事哭，看着电话默默地哭，而忽然写着你的名字的信息进来了，是我很想很想的你。最近的事让我莫名的幸福，它让我觉得其实生活没有那么糟糕。

其实，我曾经傻傻的寻找路上的车牌，想看看你的名字会出现在哪一辆车，可是不管怎么找都找不到，找了好久都没有。最近好奇怪，不用我找，几乎每天都会看见你的名字出现，就连新加坡，槟城的车牌都冒出你的名字，好不可思议吧！因为我在心中默默地跟自己打了赌，如果我可以见到一个有你名字的东西，那么就代表缘分其实还没有结束。我知道很傻，可是那已经变成让我快乐的一种习惯了。

其实生活，不过是为了开心的过一整天，我以前总是用哭，去接受你已经不再身边的事实。现在的我，却想为自己找一个可以因为你而笑的理由去享受每一天。可能有时候，我偶尔失落，那是因为想你的时候不在身边，我还是会很舍不得。也许我该努力跑步，才可以追得上你。关晓彤说，“我已经找不到任何理由去说服自己不和你在一起了” 。如果还有那个机会，我会勇敢一些，让你知道...
"我的爱情算术很简单，１个你加１个我，等于２个在一起的我们。"

陌生了么?

一觉醒来，发现地球依然转动，只是我无法感受。有些人，有些事，当你努力去放下，它却不停地在你脑子里打转。无奈的是，我没办法让它像地球那样，转得自然又不会被发现。

今天的我们，来复习过去式。

“那个曾经陪伴着我放学等车的你，现在哪怕我自己一个人由天亮等到天黑，你也不会再担心我的安全，不会再关心我是否害怕一个人了。我们陌生了，是么？

那个曾经会为了回复我的信息，把电脑关了，哪怕对面线的网友在等你一起打怪兽，你也坚持陪我聊天。可是现在的你，就算有时间，哪怕在上线，也不会再秒回信息了。我们只剩下陌生，是么？

那个曾经会为了早上在我站岗前见到我，哪怕只可以陪我五分钟，也会一大早起身，不等妹妹准备好才让父亲载你们一起去上课，就背起书包从家里走来学校，不管有多累。现在的我们，哪怕要让你出来见个面，叙叙旧，你也必须等所有事都忙完，才会考虑愿不愿意会个面。我们比任何人还要陌生，是么？

那个曾经在我生病时彻夜难眠，凌晨４点钟还传信息给我因为想念，早上７点就打来，确保我没事的你。就算现在我病入膏肓，你也不会再慰问一句，不会再陪着我了。我们除了陌生还是陌生，是么？

那个曾经会因为看见我跟一个男生传简讯，就会火冒三丈， 不问信息内容就气呼呼地在一旁生闷气，傻得可爱的你。就算现在我真的在跟男生搭讪，你也不会在乎那个男生有没有杀伤力，不会在乎我是否会爱上其他人了。我们什么都不是，只有陌生，是么？

那个曾经因为我说喜欢毛茸茸的小熊，就提早在我生日是买好藏在朋友家，结果出去时还忘了带出来，那时候的你，让我觉得安全感就是有你在身边。可是现在的我，生日不再有你陪着，哪怕多么渴望还可以再过一次有你的生日，你也不会再出现了。这样的我们，就是所谓的陌生人，是么？”

总会有那么一个人，我不用说是谁，只要一想起他，心就会纠着疼，忘了呼吸，忘了说话，然后黯然神伤。

曾经我们是太阳，他们是地球，绕着太阳公转；我们却自私地只在原地不动。
现在的我们像没有了太阳的月亮，无法发光，地球上不会再出现我们的影子，我们也就这样渐渐消失在他们生活。

如过哪天我们埋怨他们为何不耐心一点，努力多一点就离开的时候，想想我们也必须明白他们不等的道理就像我们当初如何不屑浪费他们的时间一样。其实爱情没有错的一方，只有不够努力的两个人。

Things I should explain but no.

I tend to have more thoughts when comes to study time. It's really not what I should behave but well, I can't help it. Really can't wait until graduation, I'm already losing my passion in study. Head's always messy. Tonight I might be cheering myself that everything's going to be alright, but tomorrow I might find my life so miserable. Yeah, I'm basically rolling myself up in the bed rn and wondering why am I so dumb to think of if I would ever hurt anyone. Nobody cares if they hurt me too, did they? I doubt so. I remember you told me

"Let them be the way they are, if they care, they will be there for you, you don't have to feel sad over people's that hurt you, they're losing a gem and you're just throwing away a rock."

This is like the one thing I can never learn. I often get depressed when people don't appreciate what I've done, I felt sad when they just left out of no where. To me, everyone that comes into my life for more than a day and I'll take them as one of my precious. But of course I got to have good impression towards them. I'll feel sad if they were to leave. You know, I really miss hanging out with limay and peiqi. I miss hanging out with you and your bunch too. You guys gave me beautiful memories that I can reminiscence for a life time. Sometimes I wonder, do I really miss you or just the favourite memories we got for each other. But then I got the urge to meet you, to clear things out. Will I still hop into your arm and never wanna let go? Sometimes 3 years can make a person's feeling change. I'm afraid that the feelings are getting lesser, that will make us nobody to each other anymore.

I know jianhong told you that I waited for you for three years, but that's not important you know. What's important is what's in your heart. I obviously didn't want my existence to make you feel bad over what happened before. I get worried when jh told me that, he's stressing you out did he? That's why I never ever talk to you about us since I told you we should just be friend. Nobody knows I was the one that hurt you first, nobody knows I was the one to ask for break. Everyone thinks you're bad and when I'm trying to help you explain that makes you even worse. And slowly then, when they asked me about you, I'll just be like, he's my greatest present and hardest goodbye. We hurt each other, and that's what make us grow.

29th

Having love hate relationship with the number 29th. 29th used to be my favorite number cuz you pampered me so much, and I'm always so blessed on this date. But then, we broke up on this date too. How am I supposed to love this date, again? I stop feeling good on my birthday too after you left. I really don't know how is it to face pain like this.

However,as years passed by, people walked into my life and left too fast that I didn't know how to respond to their existence. I admit that I've been struggle for three years not dating anyone, stopping myself from getting attached to a person. Until last year, I met a person that's been so nice to me and I thought maybe I should try letting go of you. But it turned out that I'm just, temporary attached to him as he's more like an elder brother to me. And once I stopped having those feeling I cried so hard cuz I'm thinking if you're still here I wouldn't even have temporary feeling because I'll be sticking to you, no doubt.

And this year, I met this guy that make me cried of getting hurt by him. Because he makes me feel important and suddenly left me hanging. Then he suddenly came back again. He's so dangerous I don't know what kind of person he is. But when people asked, why you like him. I stoned for awhile and think damn long, Idk. I felt that he's cool in the way he talk, and that reminds me that you used to talk this way. Well, no. Not the ignored kind of cool. Is the way that you made me fell for you. He has got the same thing. I'm doubting my feelings towards him cuz I know it will soon be another temporary feeling, too. Or is he slightly different that I'm looking down on his existence? Not quite sure if you guys are alike, because he has his own personalities, you have yours, but certain thing alike and Idk what's that.

Actually guess what, I'm crying rn. I have so much things stucked in my head. Yeah, I'm pretty sad because I really don't wanna fall for anyone, I felt that I'm not loyal. But after all I'm still human, I get insecure at night, I still need a hug, I still need a person to be there for me. And if there's a choice, I will never choose anyone other than you. Baby, you won't know how much missing a person hurts, do you? Do you ever think of me during late night like this, for once? Do you suffer those pain as how I felt? I'm selfish you know, I wish you do although it hurts you. But that will makes me feel so much secure with your "I care."

Ever remember what I called you? I called you "badao", because to you, what's yours is yours. I never tell you, did I? I'm way more badao because even what's not mine, I still make it mine. To me, you're always here, in my heart. It still hurts when I miss you, it still pain when I realized you're not mine. It still, care. Baby, what are you doing rn. Busy over test? Final is around corner, and I'm feeling so stress that I wish you're still here for me to tell me, "We'll date after final alright? Jiayou dear" Like how you used to tell me. I just, miss you so much rn. Or am I just missing us back then, head's getting messier.

Jianhong told me you guys talked the other day, he told me you said you're not a good guy. But baby, can you define good? You're not good because you're already the best, I told you before. I don't need a perfect partner, I was glad to share your imperfections back then, and I thought I can share it with you until death. Maybe I'm just too greedy, I thought by loving you means even you're bad, you're still my priority. But then, you didn't try, did you? Blaming yourself for not being good, why don't you just do what you think is better. It's not hard, really. You made it hard, you pushed me away, like how I pushed everyone away.

It's gonna be a tough night to me. Study stress plus missing game strong. Spm with broke up combo I also can handle, this is just potato to me. I'll work harder to be better before we meet.

On a side note, bestie told me to ask you out on my bday, how am I supposed to ask lol. We didn't meet for three years, and still I need to work hard on it? If you really were to ask, you would isn't? Exactly one more month to go, well I'll twist the coin and get a solution then.

Guts

There are days when I just ain't afraid of talking to you and find it comfortably fine to speak like a friend. But when comes to asking you out, I'm a tat bit of nervous, or maybe I'm extremely nervous because I don't even dare to type a word in the chat box. Feelings are weird, ya' know. I find it okay to talk to you the other day and behaving like a friend because I tend to blend myself into "just normal friend's conversation" situation. But asking you out makes me worry, because facing you is one of the toughest task I'll need to do. I don't know how would I behave, I don't know how you feel, and I don't know, if we still care for each other. You used to be my partner in crime, my best friend, my brother, and the boy I love most. I was so attached to you and now adding on this stranger character makes me feel so uncomfortable. Just by hearing to the "stranger" word makes me feel sad.

You know what baby, I can lie to the world but I can't even fake a word to you. I got to admit that after since you left I didn't lost any feeling from you, meanwhile I fell for a guy nearly, maybe that's not fell. I talked to him and he confessed but then he stepped backward again LOL. Because he actually chasing after two girls at once, and more to that girl. So I'm like a loser in that game cuz I trusted him. After all, I quitted the game and no, he's not going to be someone I'll be missing deadly. Maybe I have some feelings towards him, I found you inside him, I found the way you behave from him. I'm not quite too sure I'm actually attached with the feeling you gave, or am I actually fall for people like that. But I believe, I can let go in short while, right? Since it's just a head start. Let's go with the flow.

Problem is, you. It's been 3 years tho. Even if I try to accept guy and I let go them, the feeling for you is still there, they just won't go away. There's never a day that I won't click in your chat box, and that makes me so fed up cuz every time I clicked in, I have the urge to talk and I can't help but typing my words to you and then deleting it again and again. Someday when I feel sad, I can just left my screen with your face on, crying there and pretend that you're like last time, staying up late to cheer me up, take care of me. Someday I typed an essay of my problem, and wanting to send you but deleted after awhile.

If only I can now tell you how much I want to meet you. I know I can just message you and you'll make a reply. But then, will I be crying my nights again after meeting you? Final is around the corner, I really don't know what's going to happen if we meet, I'm too afraid that I'll get hurt again and can't focus on study. I've got that once, for I almost ruined my spm slip. Those harsh days were nightmare to me, baby please understand you're not important, you're just too important to me. I would risk everything to get you a thing, but I won't risk a thing for myself. That's the difference.

Am I mumbling too much today? I'll gather my guts and go to you, when I'm ready, maybe not today. Lol. Why am I talking to the air, again. Sometimes I wish you read the blog, sometimes I wish you don't. I'm just that suck ugh.

Stressful Night

Hello baby,
"Are you still awake? Or are you asleep?"
Last week I took up my courage and sent you a message. I thought maybe this should be my last try, knowing that you most probably not having any feelings anymore. I still tried it anyway, with my very last hope.

Sometimes law of attraction is mysterious, I find it so incredibly great. Things only happen when you're about to give up. I'm not saying of willing to let you go or maybe I should try, one day? I think its amazing. I let go of my urge to talk to you, giving myself nearly zero hope on your reply, but surprise surprise, you replied! Darlin' please tell me this is not a dream, its not. This is too real I can even feel my heart beating rather fast than usual.

It's been a decade since we last talk, last proper one. I felt them blood running through the veins, stimulation system just got a tat bit higher. Cuz baby you don't know the feeling of suffer. Maybe I shall thank this guy for pushing me to you, again. Thanks to him that kept asking me to give him a chance. It somehow makes me feel like maybe I should try to talk to you again. Maybe your respond will change my mindset? I think you did. Cuz I was in the mid of giving up or holding on. And you got me a decision.

Behaving like a normal friends conversation, but feelings gone lovely dovey. That's how it happened. I was jumping up and down when you agreed to come out. You know it's really fine for me to get scolded from everyone if you're willing to take one step forward, because I'll definitely walk you 99 steps. If 3 years ago was a mistake, let us fix it now, can we? Unless there's no more feelings for you, after we meet.

You don't know. I've got so excited every night, thinking that how would it turn out if we really met. Everyday that I wish I can just ask you out asap cuz I really just miss you so much. Despite that, I'm still controlling my mood swing god damn hard cuz it sucks that we still can't meet, for now. Maybe I shall meet you before degree, cuz I'll let my destiny depends on the date we gonna meet. Boy, please you have no idea how important you are, until I find it crazily mad when you're gone. It's been so long since I tell myself it's okay to live alone without you, but I know it's not real and will never be real.

I've got a lil heartache while typing this and I think I shall stop here. Till we meet, again. May destiny lead us to a better answer.

520的夜晚。

找不到一个可以让我痛哭的地方。一个人太累, 我撑不住了。我曾经以为, 自己是幸福的, 因为不管我多任性, 都有你在。我可以发你脾气, 因为你总是宠着我, 可是我从来都不信任爱情, 我没有办法放心去正常喜欢一个人。我没自信, 因为觉得不管是谁靠近你, 她们都比我强, 比我优秀。她说, 我不适合谈恋爱, 因为我伤害别人, 也伤害自己。我钻牛角尖, 总是走不出来, 在你怀里, 我会哭, 不是因为你给不了安全感, 而是只有在你怀里, 我才有勇气去哭, 因为你让我觉得无比安心。也许是你, 让我发现自己应该勇敢一些, 去面对好多我觉得不可能的事。但是最近好累, 发生了好多事, 不管对谁, 我都没有办法信任。我想逃出来, 我想找你诉苦, 可是我没有那份勇气去打扰你。我们什么都不是, 我说给你听, 你会在乎吗? 人都自私, 我更是非常自私的人, 我希望你多关心我, 我却不曾在乎你的感受。我记得你说, 你不想伤害我, 也不想再受伤害。我不明白, 也会一直在想, 是我做了什么让你觉得你伤害了我么? 可是我想不起, 我好像无意间给你带来太多伤害了, 是么?

昨天受到好多攻击性的话题, 本来就已经很压力, 看了以后我崩溃了。那种哭到喘不过气, 哭到天昏地暗的境界, 有股气卡在喉咙, 心疼地麻木, 都不知道怎么去形容那种感觉, 只觉得自己难过到快要死掉。因为他说, 你不曾喜欢我, 就算当时我们在一起。女孩最在乎的, 不过是一个男生有没有真正的爱过他, 所以我总是问你, 你爱我么? 我不介意被他说我跟别人暧昧, 因为我知道自己没有, 我不在乎他怎么看我, 如果我有我又怎么可能单身那么久。我介意他说你不曾喜欢我, 因为我真的不是自信满满的女孩, 哪怕想起这些话, 我的心都揪着疼。因为你的心有没有喜欢过我, 或者有没有喜欢着我, 都那么重要。他问我你有女朋友我会祝福你么? 要我怎样? 我是自私的, 我没有办法看见我爱到死去活来的你有女朋友, 我会疯掉。可是同时我明白自己没办法让你再回头, 我累了, 心真的很弱, 弱到一碰就会碎掉的地步。我曾经那个比大树还坚硬的肩膀, 你去了哪里? 我好想靠在你的肩膀, 听见你说的那些, "不要哭了, 我会心疼。"

自己一个人走的路, 被丢臭鸡蛋了没有人在乎, 跌倒了没人会扶我起来帮我搽伤口, 生病了没有人会晚上睡不着等我起床没事才安心。我不贪心, 我不需要高富帅, 我更不需要任何人代替不完美的你。对我来说, 我爱的那个不完美的你, 就是我要的全部。我不需要一个盲目迁就我的男朋友, 就像你生气会发我脾气一样, 那让我觉得你在乎。我不需要一个买一大堆有的没的给我的男朋友, 我更喜欢你把仅有的钱拿去买礼物给我, 却跟我说你还有钱。哪怕它只是个毛绒玩偶, 它也比钻石更珍贵。我不需要一个24孝男友, 我不需要千依百顺的男友, 我需要的是像你那样的男友。如果老天再给我一次机会, 我不会再让那么好的你从我身边溜走。但愿那些伤我不浅的三年, 可以换来从新开始的彩虹。而你, 会是那道最美丽的彩虹。快些把我从噩梦中叫醒, 我真的好累, 好想回到我们曾经的美梦, 或者新的美梦。

微信故事

看到一半的时候, 我想起你, 曾经也帮我绑过鞋带。也许是夜晚的宁静, 让我胡思乱想, 又或许是, 已经好久没见到你, 好久没听到你的声音, 好久没有你在身边了。那天晚上, 太傻了, 竟然问你睡了吗。虽然知道就算我们的聊天室在用着, 你也不会再因为我说的笑话而笑, 说了什么而感到甜蜜。其实最难过的事, 不过是失去了你。三年了, 也许对你而言, 该忘的都忘了, 该痛的也都痛了。看着身边每个失恋的那些, 都已经走过了伤痛, 我还在原地踏步。其实我们的爱情也不过是那短暂的一年, 或是更少。我真的有时以为自己放下了。我有尝试去喜欢人, 可是每一次他们踏前一步, 我就后退三步。我没有办法喜欢上你以外的人, 没有办法, 去阻止自己喜欢你。喜欢你好久, 等你也好久, 我好想有一天可以彻底把你忘掉, 让忘掉比等待更久。今晚哭了, 为自己的初恋, 再一次哭了。原来我还是在乎。

凌晨的想念

回忆真的很奇妙, 也许现在的我看着过去的自己, 觉得自己好白目, 五年后的我再把现在的我看一遍也很可能会觉得自己很荒唐。刚才不经意的把2012, 2011翻了一遍。把那些该看的不该看的回忆统统翻了一边, 那两年的自己充满了稚气, 一副高高在上, 却是个什么都不懂的幼稚青少年。无法说现在的我有多好, 可至少我看着过去, 不知觉地把17岁那年的我笑了, 也哭了一遍。十六岁那年的我, 很快乐, 我真的以为自己是最幸福的小孩, 直到奶奶去世, 我失去了方向, 我一度以为自己什么都失去了, 那一阵子的我很忧郁, 因为只要有人大声一点说话, 我就会落泪, 当时是这样想的, (爷爷走了, 现在奶奶也离开我了, 没有人疼我了吗?) 当时的妈妈, 说话语气不好我就哭, 妈妈当时有问我, 你是怎么了, 越来越爱哭! 没有人明白, 那是十六岁的想念, 对奶奶, 对爷爷。后来, 交了一群朋友, 一群让我可以重拾欢笑的好友。他们很好笑, 也很善解人意, 他们是同座, 也是同学, 他们是我这一辈子交过最幸福的朋友, 因为他们很真, 心很美。然后我很不小心地发现自己喜欢上他, 虽然我们不熟, 我却没办法让自己不去喜欢他。也许是幸运, 也可能是一种契机, 我们一起。所以那年, 我在接纳了我的伤痛以候, 得到了一份甜蜜的爱情。可能当时还不够成熟, 或者幸福来得太快, 也许我们太不自量力, 以为只要喜欢就是一辈子。当时的我, 没有想到, 我的任性会是绊脚石, 也没有想过原来我们必须学会包容, 因为喜欢还包括去保护对方, 结果后来遍体麟伤, 因为我们都太自我。这一段感情以后, 我让自己回到最初的起点, 只是这一次, 我禁止了所有接近自己的蜜蜂, 因为我的花蜜真的不多, 就够一只蜜蜂采蜜。现在是凌晨4点, 写这些并不是因为我又想不通了, 只是纯粹想把不曾说的心事说出来, 奶奶的离开始终是一个抹不去的痛, 因为亲眼目睹她的离逝, 我没有办法忘记那个夜晚的天空有多黑, 那雨滴有多刺耳, 那些人来人往, 那股闷气一直让我无法呼吸, 当时没有人会安慰, 因为每个人都难过。可是我记得奶奶在爷爷去世的时候曾近让阻止我哭的人闭嘴, 她说"让她哭, 小时候她阿公让她在他去世以候大声的哭, 哭到天上去给他听" 那天奶奶的拥抱是最温暖的, 她的话是最动人的。只是奶奶的去世, 没有人在给予任何拥抱, 没有人再安慰我, 因为奶奶她, 不在了。
应该写了好长, 应该也没有人会去读它, 写这么多, 只是因为想念那些从我身边离开的人。好吧, 晚安。04:29

我没法告诉你的秘密

我们两个都在线

如果我不主动理你

你是不是准备一辈子也不主动理我了…

如果有一天，我不再放下所有的骄傲去打扰你；

如果有一天，你再也看不到我唯独对你永远隐身可见的头像再一次跳动，你会不会有那么一刻感到忧伤？

女孩子跟男生不一样的。

男生主动一点，别人会说他勇敢追求自己的爱情。

可是女生不同。她会怕。

怕如果自己不管不顾地打扰你，会惹得你不高兴；

会怕跟你的对话框里只有自己说的话安静地忧伤；

会怕自己的主动换来你的不珍惜。

所以男生，你们不要以为，她不主动理你便是不在乎你。

相反，也许是太在乎你，她才会有那么多的怕。

要记得，就算她没有主动理你，你也不可以那么小心眼得跟她生气，同样不理她。

两个人在一起，只要有一个人是主动的，都会带动另一个人的。

Insomnia

Sudden thought tonight. It's not exactly sudden thought but I recalled that someone told me about you. Let's make this someone anonymous, by using 'she' later on, obviously she's a female.

There's this morning when we're having breakfast together, we talked about high school. Random topic and she mentioned you. She told me that after we broke up, you blackmailed me by saying you find me so annoying and you can't stand me anymore to your friend.I don't know if I should believe this. I chose not to because my heart was tearing apart, like so pain I can't stop shivering.

Meanwhile, she said that almost the whole school knows about our broke up and avoided me because they think I'm such bad girl. I wonder how bad am I. Like did I play around with your feelings. I really don't know why I deserve all this. If you ever wonder, this news hurt me so bad. I can still remember the night she told me this I cried so long and even after crying I couldn't fall asleep. That night was so miserable I wish I can just throw my heart away. Just so you know, this is the second time she mentioned, but obviously first time kills me inside out.

I really want an answer, from you. But I don't want a hurtful answer as well. Life's tough. You can't get good return 100%, there's always risk, just like finance. Trust me, this question has been playing in my mind for so long that everyday I kept telling myself to stop being annoying and start being so quiet to everyone around me. I just didn't wanna get hurt like this again, especially people like you. If you ever wonder, you meant the world to me and that's why I hurt. I doubt I'll be figuring this question for countless night if you're just someone who's not so important to me.

Guess what? It's already 3.36 right now. My headache is not stopping since just now. I'm feeling so tired yet so hurt over what I've heard. I really hope that what the girl told me is fake, because I'm trying so hard to assume she's lying. But actually, what hurts me today doesn't really hurts me all day and night. I might be crying tonight but I forgive easily. Just try telling me who will ever get angry over someone they love for a long period. Not me. Please?

P/s: does insomnia meant someone is dreaming of me right now, will that be you?

Heading Back to Reality

I should say it's another ordinary night because my ordinary actually means I'm missing you, again. Lol this blog has been filled up with missing you essays. What makes me blog today is because I bumped into your dad and elder sister yesterday. And I knew today is your elder sister' s birthday. Maybe you don't remember, but I do. Once you told me, they will be my family, too, like soon. I believed that and I still freaking remember the details. Obviously I didn't expect breaking up with you is even more sooner than they became part of my life.

Okay, so just let me rephrase back what happened yesterday right after I touched down in Subang. It was pretty funny yet I should say is more to weird because law of attraction is happening on me. Dad stopped by his car at the petrol station nearby your housing area, it still makes sense because we passed by your place everytime I came back from johor. I was in the car and wondering if I would be able to meet you or at least your family. So I gone into a spy and start observing the cars around me, looking for your cars. Lol reality hits me back and I knew it's kinda impossible, the chances is less than winning a lottery. Just right when I gave up on my fairytales thought a car stopped next to mine, a purple myvi. Thank god I wasn't drinking my water otherwise I'll just split on mom's face. I saw your dad and sis inside the car and first thing that came into my mind was, WTFF(WHATTHEFLYINGFROG).

Gdi, I shall really start believing the law of attraction, it really does happened. I stunned for a few sec and start laughing like a mad woman mom and dad thought I'm not fine but it's actually the opposite site LOL. Okay okay back to topic, actually it doesn't really push me up, my mood I mean. I start my irritating overthinking skills again and again since yesterday. I kept thinking maybe we didn't mean to end yet?

Lemme tell you what, during the journey back to kl, I told myself to be strong and give up hope on us. Like so serious that I warn myself to be a better person or else I'm just gonna hang there doing nothing when you tried so hard to improve. Until I bumped into your family members I start questioning myself again, do we really ended or what. If we ended, why everytime that I want to give up something that relates to you just trying to bring me back to you. Maybe you don't believe and still thinking I'm immature like back then.

Pfft. Only God knows why I tried so hard to keep us. I really don't agree that I'm strong enough to handle all this, I know I have to be strong but I'm so tired, so so tired that I wish I can just lay on your shoulder having you to tell me, you're here, don't worry. I really wish things can be less complicated and might as well just let us get back together and stop hurting me invisibly. I get enough of hurt, enough of tears, enough of being alone, enough of you not there with me anymore. I just, miss you so badly.

Valentines thought

So I thought I'll stop posting this year and leave this page dead, but it seems like I've got back here for Valentines post. This has got to be the one toughest night, again lol. Sad to say that it's gonna be another single year ahead because I'm still missing you, every moment that I close my eyes I think of you. How I wish we can actually transfer feelings through over mind like some Bluetooth effect. Then I will be able to show you how missing a person gone so miserable, especially at night. I slept with tears last night because I suddenly remember that valentines was one of my favourite day until you left. It became one of the toughest day in my life because without you I really don't know how to describe love hahah how funny. Sometimes I don't understand what makes me love you so much, finding out this answer makes me felt so tired I wanna cry so badly. Pfft. Nono. I'm not gonna cry now. Really gotta step out from the comfort zone already. I've been hanging my feeling for three years. Hahah jokes. What's going to help me through this? I believe after tonight I'm still gonna be the same. Think of you, miss you so badly, cry my night, wake up, and act like nothing just happened. I wonder if my life now is healthy but it's been so long and I'm still doing fine. Hahah. Idk what I'm talking now my mind is so messy I got to stop here.

The last 3 pages of 2014

Hello again. I'm blogging now at 2.37a.m. in the morning because again, missing you game gone too strong. It's funny how you can make my day so miserable. It can be up and down in just this short while. I was feeling so good to talk to you on the Christmas. Not sure if I really do. And now, at this moment without your name popping out in my screen again, I'm feeling so down I don't even know how should I describe it.

2.40a.m. my mind is so messy I thought I should have a break. Meanwhile my heart is so pain I'm wondering how should I heal it. Pain killer? That's for physical pain I supposed. I'm mentally feeling it. I knew how to cure this ache but I have no way to get this healing pill. Instead of calling myself weak, I should called myself a useless person. Because till now, two years plus already and I'm still not able to make you come back.

So hello, 2.50 right now. My tears are dropping fast. This feeling sucks oh god. Can I have your hug? Or can we just meet up. I'm trying so hard to control these feelings and dying inside out now. If you ever wonder if how I'm typing this. I obviously have no idea cuz this is not an article, it's more like a spreading sadness place. Oh just remember, this afternoon I watched a korean episode. There's this guy that looks like you, so alike I can't get my eyes off the TV. You know it's not the first time, I met Uriah and I imagined him as you. You won't know how hard I tried to keep you and your face around me. You certainly won't know how hurt is it to not meeting you for so long. I'm not stubborn boy I'm really not. It was my heart that doing the job. It can't stop loving you. What can I do. I can't make it stop. That's what keeps me alive. Can we go out, for once? Can you just give me a chance to fix everything?

Tonight

Because tonight, I'm missing you unconditionally.
If you ever know that, I was so happy to receive your wish last night. A simple Merry Christmas makes me feels so happy. Do you still remember three years ago, we were still a pair? How things changed. They said one year can change a lot, three years is like a century long. I obviously still living the fairytale's life. Not because I'm immature, it's just simply because I can't get over you. I honestly just can't do it. This is the toughest task I've ever received. To stay on alone without you. 

Well dear, do you ever notice I'm always secretly looking out for you. Secretly stalk you on Facebook, on Instagram, every social websites that has your footprint. I just couldn't stop doing this, it seems to be the only way that I can get to know about your current life. I wanted to say, but I never have the guts to do so. I wish I can still go in front of you and hug you tight like that one time, you told me you felt that my hug is telling you I'm so afraid of losing you. I really am and never changed. I know if you were to saw this, you're gonna say. I'm sorry for the past but that's over. So no. I'm protecting both you and me from getting hurt. You will feel no guilty and I do not need to receive the cruelest truth from you.
I wish I can still be typing I love you, baby instead of the strangest hello. You never know how hurt is it to type those three words out for a thousand times and delete it with uncounted heartbreak. I wish you know how love is to hurt me. Because I loved you. Meanwhile, I didn't wanna let you know for making you more frustrated. Nobody has to tell me and I already know it's a never to ask you back because you certainly and definitely will never turn back, ain't?
Tonight is not the hardest night among all time, but it definitely is one of the hardest. I told myself for a couple times no more hurting myself for remembering you. Obviously that's like asking a goat not to eat grass. Because to me, you're like an addiction. If there's a chance, I wonder if I ever wanna know you. Because meeting you means two thing. Both luckiness and tragedy. I was so glad to know you as you bright up my days when nobody can. At the same time, you're called a tragedy because after you left my life is so miserable sometimes I thought of doing dumb things when it hurts me so badly.
Till now, I never know why you chose to leave. You told me you love me. And I remembered an article said. When a person loves you, no reason is needed. Same thing when a person asked to break, what reason also don't make any changes. True that there's no point to ask but there must be a way to solve. Everything has a solution. I'm trying so hard to get the solution and I was never so hardworking in life. Please believe that loving you is the only thing that I tried so hard to prove it and the love makes me realised that I have to lie to you for once saying the opposite so that you can feel relieved. But you never ever know, my heart was dripping when I said so. Because I never will stop loving you.

亲爱的蝎子, 原来你那么多秘密。

天蝎座讨厌虚伪 讨厌谎言 讨厌欺骗。其实天蝎经常硬撑 即使一百个委屈 都习惯用自己的方式 独自一人承担。真正痛苦的时候 其实没人看得见。他很注重公平 凡事都会分得清清楚楚 不会去占别人便宜。他非常重感情 只要他真心认定的朋友 都会真心对待。

天蝎不爱发短信 也不爱打电话 懒蛋一个。对特别的人会例外 自尊心很强 强过金钱 强过事业 也强过爱情。天蝎座需要慢慢相处 因为天蝎座是个被动的星座 慢热的星座 放不开的星座 一见钟情很难发生在天蝎座身上 天蝎的爱需要时间。他们会喜欢很多人 却很难爱上一个人。

对爱蝎子的赌注总是压得很大 如果能赢 那么TA将成为这个世界上最幸福的人 所有其他的都可以不在乎了。可一旦输了 那份痛将使得再次关闭TA的心扉 从此不再对任何人打开 因为在TA的生命中已经承受不起第二次这样的打击了。也许TA还会笑 用笑去掩盖那流血的伤口。

有人说天蝎心狠 说TA会很快忘记过去 而如果有人走进了天蝎的心里 TA会很难转身 舍不得转身 即使带给TA的会是伤痛。天蝎把自己小小的包裹起来 其实 天蝎很怕寂寞。TA很怕自己心爱的那个人消失 怕自己太依赖那个人 也许会觉得TA冷漠 其实天蝎会在心里每天想千遍万遍。

天蝎不喜欢争吵 大多数情况下会用沉默来代替内心的不良情绪。但若遇到十分气恼的情况 TA会发威 结果是口不择言 不用费劲地说世界上最恶毒的语言说出来给对方听 中伤对方。但过不了两天 天蝎自己会主动反省 为自己的言语感到失态和后悔。

天蝎座的人不大会接受别人的意见 即便是他人不停地规劝 表面上点点头 心里还是有自己的一套。天蝎不大懂得察言观色 如果爱人情绪有变化 天蝎会胡思乱想许多 认为会是自己哪里做错了。然后就会招来爱人的不满!事实上天蝎并不想这样 只是性格缺陷 TA容易想太多。

蝎子没事喜欢胡思乱想。性格与脾气都比较极端 嗜睡 挚爱音乐 易被感动 喜欢跟喜欢的人身体接触 恨不得把身体揉进去那种。有些悲观 支配欲 有较强的依赖感 偏执 苛求完美 双重性格 一般很抗拒有人走近 不喜欢听见周围有人不停交谈 经常表现出对什么都不在乎。

天蝎有时候令人难以揣摩 日常生活中 他们的思维方式甚至会让你痴迷。他们不仅性感无比 而且还赋有精力 他们对其他任何异性都会冷酷到底 而对自己的老婆则是温情绵绵。而且蝎子其实很好哄的 只要你的手机时时为他们开着 不要不接他们的电话 出去聚会愿意带着他们 那么蝎子绝对是最棒的伴侣。

当天蝎和自己的恋人闹别扭时 开始的时候他们会很坚决 大有一种决不首先向对方妥协的势气。时间一久 天蝎就开始想对方的好了 于是自己主动找上门和恋人和好如初就像什么都没有发生过。虽然蝎子的内心是有些气的 但一见到恋人就又“傻”过去了 这就是我所了解的天蝎 自我矛盾加自我折磨的天蝎。

天蝎生性渴望理解 却不奢求理解 安于孤独 更乐于孤独。天蝎的优势在于 对于别有用心的人 能够一眼看穿 并完全做到视若无睹。也许 当你自鸣得意时 天蝎想的正是 不和这头牲口一般见识。看 天蝎就是这样的心态 清高地忍让 忧郁地承受 却酷得干脆利落。只要你不触动他的底线一切都好。

天蝎座的人酷爱权力 喜欢有自己的思想方法。钱和物质对你是不可缺少的 但从不用它来束缚自己的手脚 你对那些对自己的事业 工作有过帮助的人 总是念念不忘 肯为你们慷慨解囊。天蝎座的人需要经常不断地处于忙碌之中 喜欢亲自动手去做 喜欢改善自己的工作和生活环境 喜欢更新自己的想法。

天蝎座谈恋爱时容易胡思乱想 不能忍受被忽略忽视的感觉 一点点也不能 如果另一半不理TA TA就会自己胡思乱想一堆 钻进死胡同后出不来。然后另一半一个电话 又瓦解了所有了胡思乱想。想要控制 却又下不了决心。天蝎座表面坚强 内心软弱 想要占有 却又怕太过火 不停地自信与自卑交杂。

天蝎不会轻易付出爱 他们会保护自己。如果能经受住天蝎百般的考验和魔鬼式的训练 那么她会幸运的成为他的爱 他们怕太认真 怕他们太强烈 不爱的时候冷的像冰 爱的时候热情似火 让你很能适从。他们的思想是比较偏激的 要么爱 要么彻底的不爱。所以天蝎的爱永远都是轰轰烈烈的。

Puppet

It's been awhile since I log in to my blog. Seriously have no idea what should I do with all these feelings, no. Just no. I thought I would be all good after telling you I gave up on you. Who am I lying to then? Me? Or you? Or the people around me? That day when I met you, my heart goes roller coaster up and down. When I step in the mall I just can't help myself but uncontrollably shivering. It was a tough day for me, so tough that I don't even what can I do. One night before that it was your birthday and yet I never send you any wish but crying my night. I told myself you won't respond to me. You won't even care about what effort I've did. Because you don't love me anymore. This is how life tortures me. It's okay I'm strong enough to withstand this. Let's talk about how funny was my feeling that day. I saw you the second time at Starbucks, hah! Surprisingly I was laughing and trying to be alright. No one ever knows how hurt was it to meet you. How hard was it to hold back the tears and act like we don't know each other. No one can feel it and no, this time I never tell anyone the truth. Instead, I send you a message telling you I'm over you. Isn't that the best present for you? But that was a nightmare for me. Because that means from that day onward I won't have the right to tell you how much I miss you anymore. A promise is a promise.
15 days since we last met. 15 days I've been torturing myself. 15 days I'm lying to you and to the world. 15 days and I'm not okay. I nearly died from heartache. Cuz babe, you won't know how much you meant to me. I just can't fix it. I'm like a glitch now. If you ever know, I won't love a person unconditionally anymore. Because  without you, my life is like a disaster